I've been feeling like quite the hermit lately, but that is OK if it's for his best interest. Having a preemie and having to be extra careful is only something another parent of a preemie can relate to. After seeing your baby in the NICU, it is vital that you practice extra caution when it comes to their first months at home. Some people might think you don't want to be sociable or share your little one with them. But that is so far from the case. Even as the baby grows you still can't forget that they are more susceptible to illness and so forth. The doctors are always telling me that I need to keep him around a minimal amount of people and almost no children. And that all who holds him must wash hands.

This brings me to this week. Christopher's pediatrician told me that I shouldn't have him in stores or around a lot of people (and no kids period) until he is around 3 months. She said the average full term baby shouldn't be out and about until 6 weeks, so with a premature baby (even if they are growing properly) you have to be even more careful, otherwise a simple cold might cause them another hospital stay. That scared me. I couldn't bear to have to leave him in a hospital again. And the reason I'm talking about this is because a day ago we went for his one month appt and there are two waiting rooms in this doc office: one for healthy children, and one for the sickly children. Well, they must be lazy or the people must not care, but Christopher and I were sitting in the midst of sneezing, wheezing, sniffly babies and kids. So it is hilarious (not really) to me that after waiting 1.5 hours to be seen in the sea of respiratory infections, that the doc really gets on me about the importance of keeping him as secluded from people as possible.

Now my baby is sneezing and has a runny nose. I've used the aspirator to suck out the mucus and praying he is not truly getting sick. I'm sitting here, it's 3AM, and I'm googling a bunch of info that won't help me prevent something that cannot be prevented at this point. As I type this, Michael is holding Christopher, who is now starting to wheeze.

SHIT.

So far it has been quite hectic and slow if you can merge those together in a way that makes sense....to create the last 5 weeks of my life. It is definitely interesting suddenly having to become obsessed over such a tiny little guy. Hubby has gotten a new job, which he likes a lot, thanks to the a-hole job that fired him because he missed work the day of the c-section. He is working 50+ hours a week, so it has been difficult trying to bond all three of us together. But we've done our best.

It was hard with him working all the time, and then when he'd come home, of course he was exhausted. I was worried he wasn't able to bond with Christopher. But he does what he can, he gets up in the middle of the night if I'm tapped out from the ongoing 24/7 Chris-Care. He is a good guy, changes diapers and feeds him, when I know there are some men that refuse. I know there are some men that do more, however I am proud of him because I know in his culture, really the women do all of the 'mothering' and care taking. At least as far as he's told me. It has been a little hard for me to keep going constantly. Christopher sleeps anywhere between 0 minutes to 3 hours, if I'm lucky. I thought I was exhausted when I was pregnant....boy I didn't know the meaning of exhausted! It's scary being responsible for a person that you are not even sure you know how to take care of. But every day I am becoming more and more comfortable becoming mama.

As far as my healing from surgery is going, it only hurts in the incision area when I sneeze. I am down 23lbs! Which is more than I even gained from the pregnancy, so I am feeling great about that. I cannot wait to get to the gym though. Even though all the prego weight is gone, this squishy tummy has GOT to go. It is not welcome here. On another subject, my pregnancy induced carpal tunnel is still here! And sometimes even worse. It still hurts to do simple things, like use scissors, turn a page in a book, load the dishwasher...and yes, pick up and carry Christopher! I need to find a resolution for this because I refuse to live the rest of my life with this major inconvenience.

It's so hard to believe he's been home with us 3 weeks now. He is gaining weight rapidly. Already weighs 6.5lbs and 19in long. His doc said that at the rate he is going, he should be caught up to where he should be by the time he is 3 months. Which is great! Apparently I'm doing something right...lol... The breastfeeding (TMI) is actually a lot easier and less complicated than I pictured. I am doing that 95% of the time and giving a bottle or two of formula a day to him because I need to put his vitamins in them. I would prefer to bf 100% of the time until I go back to workie, but the pedi recommended we do it that way. I plan on switching to full time formula after Thanksgiving.

So....it's a bunch of long days and sleepless nights but every single time I look at him I feel so in love and so filled with something I can't put into words. He's the most perfect person I've ever seen and to know that he came from me is amazing. It's nothing like I imagined, yet everything I imagined. It's frightening, joy-filled, nerve-wracking, and crazy. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. I know every parent says that. But like them, I mean it. All my life, when I tried to picture and imagine what my children would look like, I couldn't have conjured up a child that is this beautiful and precious to me. He is my proof from God that I must have done something right in my life to deserve him. I will be his champion and #1 Fan forever.

Christopher Rodney
Born on July 24, 2008 at 4:43am
Weighed – 3lb 15oz / 17.5in
Estimated Due Date – August 22

It is a huge blessing to know that maternal instincts should never be ignored. On the Monday prior to the 24th, I had my DA and baby Christopher failed the NST test. The doc then ordered an u/s and they said the amniotic fluid was a little low and he wasn’t really as active as they wanted. I was irritated with my doc up to that point because the previous week I called in with decreased movement and he just told the nurse to tell me that it was normal! So at that DA, the doc asked me had I been feeling less movement (yeah, buddy that’s what I’ve been complaining about!) and I told him yes, so then he told me if it stays that way, I shouldn’t hesitate to go to labor and delivery (gee thanks, buddy). So I was sent home that day and over the next two days I started to feel increasingly paranoid and nervous…… he wasn’t moving around very much at all. It was hard to differentiate being worried for a reason or it being just my pregnancy because throughout this, I had always had a hard time with him not feeling super active. It was something inside me by Wednesday night that told me to get to hospital. So when my hubby got home from work, I told him I really think I needed to go and he agreed so we went to the hospital thinking we’d be sent home after an hour. I was at that point 35 weeks and 6 days prego.

We got there and I got put on the monitors, and after a couple hours, the nurse told us that there were fluctuations of his heart rate and they weren’t too happy about that. So they said they’d keep us for the night and make sure things were OK. At that point, it didn’t even cross our minds that we’d stay that long, so we were both shocked. After another couple hours of testing, the nurse came in and told me not to be surprised if we stay until we have the baby. All my emotions went all over the place after that! All this time I was nervous about being unprepared, and here we were, completely unprepared, with no hospital bag or anything!

So then, a little after she told me that, she and another nurse rushed into our room at one point and started poking my stomach and moving the monitor like crazy. Apparently Christopher’s heart rate had lowered for a big length of time. Then she told me that they wanted me to sign a consent to do an emergency c-section of it was deemed necessary, and they also wanted to put a catheter in right away. Well, at that point, I was so nervous and upset that my legs wouldn’t stop shaking like crazy. The nurse barked at me to calm down because my blood pressure was sky high. My hubby had rushed to my side by that time and was trying to calm me as well. He was really nervous at that time too.

Finally, after a doctor checked me and more nurses came in and out, my doctor was called and alerted of the issue…and he arrived at the hospital a little after 4am. He told us that the baby wasn’t doing so good and wanted to be out so he felt that we should have a c-section right away. I asked if Michael could be in there with me, and he said if they got the spinal block in on time, he could. It was like everything went from 0-10-60 at that point…. So, the room was bustling around with lots of people, they tossed the hospital garments to my hubby to throw on, and I was trying to take my contacts out while the anesthesiologist was asking a bunch of questions. There was like no time to think….all I remember thinking over and over was, “OMG is this really freakin happening? Like now???” Before, I had always been scared about the thought of a c-section just because it is a surgery and not only had I never been under the knife before, but I had always wanted a vaginal birth. I guess it’s just not meant to be that way sometimes!

So then as they started wheeling me out they told Michael to wait in hall and they’d let him know. I was wheeled into the surgery room, and all I could think about was that it seemed like a movie or one of those baby stories on TV I’d been watching like crazy..lol I’d been nervous this whole time about an epi or spinal and it actually wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, though it still hurt. I was pretty out of it by then because I hadn’t slept that night and still in shock that I was having the baby right then! All the sudden I started feeling really nauseous and told the guy behind me, and as soon as the words came out, so did my vomit (tmi). It was a pretty weird feeling to be numb and body being shaken like crazy and you are pretty helpless. They also tied down my arms out to the sides, not sure why they did that. I kept asking for my husband and finally sweet Jesus he came in and held my face and just tried to comfort me. Then I threw up again.

After a few moments I heard some suction noises, and from all my expert TV watching, I knew he must be out…so I waited to hear the cry and heard nothing. That must have been the longest minute of my life waiting to hear him cry, and I kept telling Michael, “I don’t hear him cry! I think he’s out and he’s not crying?!” He kept trying to reassure me things were OK. Finally, I heard the most amazing sound, Christopher finally cried. Well, screamed, I should say. As soon as we heard it, he kept saying over and over, “There he is, he’s crying, do you hear him, that’s it!” I told DH (dear husband) to go and check him and see our baby since I couldn’t. After a few moments, DH came back around with our bundle of joy, and he whispered, “He’s so small..” Then, after years of knowing him, I finally got to see him cry! It was so amazing to see him express so much emotion, it was a huge moment to me and will always be special. We stared at Christopher with disbelief and awe, and I finally kissed his cheek before DH had to take him down the hall to get checked, weighed, and all that good stuff.

After that, I spent an hour in recovery, then was wheeled to my postpartum room, where I waited another hour for DH to leave Christopher’s side. He was able to watch his first bath and all that good stuff. When Michael finally arrived at the room to tell me about him, he actually got all emotional all over again just talking about our baby, which was so sweet to see. We waited in the room for Christopher, and I finally finally saw him by 10:30am, after harassing the nursery. We had him for a couple hours, but then they decided his temp was up and down, so he was moved to the NICU. We ended up staying in the hospital for 6 days total, my incision hurt an hour after surgery, but the Percocet’s and meds helped a little bit. Stitches got taken out a few days later, which the nurse told me that wouldn't hurt, but it ended up hurtin like a mofo. Christopher had a scare with his platelets being low, and almost needed a transfusion, but great news is that they eventually started rising after a couple days. His temp got increasingly better, however he had to stay in the NICU for almost 2 weeks due to problems feeding. They also told me that he should have weighed more at his gestational age, so they think my placenta stopped providing the nutrients and oxygen he should have gotten. It was the hardest thing to leave him at the hospital the day I was discharged. Like I was leaving an arm or any other part of my body. I was pretty down about it, and Michael tried to comfort me the best he could. Having a preemie in the NICU was pretty rough. You have to wash your hands like for 50 minutes (ok, not that long) and the nurses seem like they are his mothers rather than the actual mom. Although everyone was really nice there, it was hard seeing the little iv in his hand and the feeding tube in his nose. We got to see him graduate from the incubator to the bassinet. But we knew we were lucky when we saw the little ones that weighed even less than Christopher, and those parents looked even sadder than us, as they would be visiting there for at least a couple months compared to our two weeks. I wish that on no one!

As far as the healing went from the surgery, it was pretty difficult the first week to walk, sit, do anything! The second week it was still painful but as every day passed it got increasingly better. I think it helped that I was walking since the first night of the surgery. I still cannot believe everything happened that way, but I am grateful that things turned out ok. Everyone told me that I was smart to have come in and not a minute later, as things could have been way worse. Which I hate to think about. I feel so lucky and blessed and so thankful that I followed my instincts as well. I thought before if I had a c-section, that it wouldn't be as special as a 'normal' delivery. And I was very wrong. Even when everything seemed very scary and rushed, nothing could take away from the magnitude of the moments that we were blessed with.

I still cannot believe I’m a momma.