This is something I am realizing more and more. Truth is, things always seem so bright and colorful when it's someone else's situation. Especially if your situation is dull and dark. When I was single, I used to yearn to be married with a family. I thought everything would be so wonderful and cozy. It seemed so much better than being alone and dating off and on. Now that I'm married.....when I am goin through hard times....sometimes it seems like being single would be less stressful and wearing on my heart. I have friends that could attest to feeling the same ways in their situations too. I know that I am not the only one that battles these feelings.

Lately, I've been having many inner struggles concerning my marriage. Sometimes the giver-upper in me wants to do just that...give up! Shouldn't it be easier to just let go than to continue being hurt? I've always believed that no matter what, as long as the good outweighs the bad, there is always hope. Currently, I don't know what I feel. For the past months, I can't help but obsess about where my marriage is going. I want it to work so badly.

Why is it so hard to be happy? Well, maybe I worded that wrong. I guess in a way, it should be the easiest thing to be happy. Happiness is a chosen state of mind, I believe. You CHOOSE happiness over sadness. You choose to feel positive rather than negative. If you are going through some shit, you can choose happiness knowing that you are still blessed above all. But then something always seems to hit the fan (i.e. SHIT!) and there goes your mind running around in circles trying to find a balance. When a person claims to love you, but they still hurt you, how are you supposed to feel?

One way that I've always found inner peace is by praying. Praying reminds me the reason I'm here and points out how many ways I am truly blessed. And of course, going to church and listening to a great sermon always cheers me as well. Your whole life's happiness shouldn't be based on your relationship status. It should be about the inner YOU. But it's a little difficult when you're crying and hurting. All that aside, I do believe with all my heart that the more I pray and devote myself to God, the more I will understand. I can't just live selfishly moping and obsessing about my relationships and not giving any time to Him and thanking Him for all he's given me. My health...my son's health....etc etc... So I guess it is time to just let go, let flow. Pray for guidance....pray for patience. And most of all just thank the Lord that I am living and alive and able to hug my son every day. What was that saying about the man that was depressed because he had no shoes...until the day he met the man with no feet?

Throughout daily stresses, life stresses, and of course relationship stresses, I am not here to stress! I'm not here to waste hours feeling sorry for myself. There's so much more I could do to help others. With all this said, I am positive everything else will fall into place for me in due time.

There is a quote that I absolutely love. It really wows me. I mean...WOW!

“A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ, that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.”
–Author Uncertain

That's what time it is and I'm wide awake. Every so often I get bouts of insomnia...usually when I'm the most stressed. It is aggravating because my days (and nights) are currently filled with taking care of Christopher and that is no small task. So at a time like this, I should by all rights be passed out! But instead I am just online about to ramble about some things that are floatin around this noggin.

Motherhood so far..... In some ways it is easy to be a mother. It's easy to love your child. It's even easier to worry about your child. And then some. In other ways it is hard being a mommy. It's hard to let go of all the fears that you'll do something wrong or scar your kid for life. It's hard not knowing how to take care of them sometimes. But as the days go on, I'm adjusting more and more. Some things are easier...like getting used to being spit up on. Even though I swore I wouldn't, some days I do look like the spittin image of a haggard housewife! Don't get me wrong, I still shower and comb my hair. If someone stopped by I would be decent enough....but just not my old pizzazzy self.

I miss me sometimes! I am happy in this new phase of my life when the clubbin and barhopping slows....but at the same time when you never do it anymore, it is an easy craving to have. My insignificant other (can you tell I'm irritated with him right now?) and I met in a club and we agreed from the beginning that no matter what, we would still have fun and go out. I know that when you're a parent that it's not only harder to get out there (i.e. babysitters) but also it's not really realistic to expect to be out every weekend. I would be happy settling for at least a weekend out of every month to go out plus do something with my girlfriends at least every other weekend. Whether it is just going out for a drink or a bite to eat or even some shopping. I know if I was to be gone all the time that I wouldn't have enough quality time with Christopher (especially when I start working on top of school too). I want my baby to grow up with family dinners and church Sundays...etc etc... How do you fit all that in??? I guess you just make it happen!

What else is going on...... Need to get back running!

Well, I guess that's a gist of the crap in my brain right now. I'm actually finally startin to get a lil weary, so time to go lay it down. Tomorrow (or today, that is) is another day.